Beware, here be crack!fic...
Aug. 29th, 2005 02:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
moonlettucePart one. Part two. Part three. Part four. Part five. Part six.
Men Are From Mars, Asgard Are From Othala, Part 7
"Colonel Sheppard!"
John jumped slightly as Radek's voice barked into his ear, looking around furtively to check if anyone had seen him. "Yes, Dr Zelenka?"
"Please come to lab immediately-- Rodney, stop that!"
John frowned at the high-pitched command. "Radek, is everything okay?"
There was a pause and a muffled giggle that sounded like Rodney before Radek replied. "Just hurry, Colonel."
John was already moving towards the nearest transporter as the radio cut off. Within minutes he was standing outside the lab, door opening at his request, allowing Zelenka's voice to reach him.
"--that down!"
He walked into the lab, curious at what could have the normally calm Czech sounding so stressed, and stopped dead, eyes widening at the tableau before him. Rodney was holding something behind his back, pouting like a recalcitrant schoolboy, and Radek was standing there, looking every inch the firm, if rather short, schoolmaster. All he needed was the cane to spank Rodney with and he was set. John paused at the thought and shook his head. If anyone here were going to spank Rodney it would be John. Shaking his head again to rid it of the image of Rodney laid out over his knee John cleared his throat. "What's going on?"
Rodney's head snapped around to look at him. "John!" he called joyfully. Thrusting whatever he'd been holding at Zelenka, Rodney all but bounded over to John, grinning. "Hi, John!"
John stared at Rodney for long moments, before his gaze slid over to Zelenka. "Radek?"
Zelenka sighed, placing the box in his hands on the bench. "Do not ask me, Colonel. I leave him here to go fetch something from lab two and he is fine. I come back and--" He waved a hand in the still grinning Rodney's direction.
John turned back to look at his lover. "Rodney, have you been in Carson's good drugs again?"
Rodney looked at him. "No. Scout's honour."
John barely managed to cover the snort as the mental image of Rodney in shorts and trying to start a fire with two sticks sprang into his mind.
Rodney paused thoughtfully. "I did get lube from him, though." He glanced over at Zelenka quickly. "I wanted the self-warming, edible lube," he stage-whispered in a voice that carried through the entire lab, "but I think he kept it for him and Radek."
Radek coughed, glaring at Rodney, who was too busy pressing himself against John to take any notice.
"Can we have sex now?" Rodney asked plaintively.
John managed to grab Rodney's hand before it reached his BDUs. As much as he would have liked to take Rodney up on his offer, he'd rather find out exactly what had happened to his lover first. "No."
Rodney was silent for long moments before he met John's eyes again. "How about now?"
John ignored the question. "Have you touched anything strange recently?"
"Only Radek," Rodney answered. "Does Radek count as strange?"
John sighed inwardly. "No, Radek doesn't count as strange. Also, you'd better not let Carson hear you say that."
Rodney's eyes widened. "It wasn't the naughty kind of touching," he said, sounding rather affronted. "I only do that with you."
"Glad to hear it," John murmured, pulling Rodney's questing fingers away from his trousers again. "Rodney, think. What happened after Radek left you alone?"
Rodney tapped his finger thoughtfully against his lips. "Work," he said eventually. "More work. Even more work. Oh, and the Atlantis fairy brought me coffee."
John's eyes narrowed at that. "The Atlantis fairy?"
Rodney nodded his head vigorously. "And it wasn't you, so that's something else Kavanagh's wrong about."
John frowned, and made a mental note to let Lorne know that a certain scientist needed to at least triple the physical training he was already doing. "Tell me about the Atlantis fairy?" John said, still half unable to believe those words had just passed his lips.
"I was working," replied Rodney, "and there was no coffee." He looked into John's eyes earnestly. "This was not good. But I carried on; disregarding the dire coffee-less state I was in. I knocked my pen on the floor and bent down to get it and when I stood back up, there was coffee on my desk. But there was no one else there but me. Therefore, the only logical conclusion is that the Atlantis fairy put it there." Rodney nodded to himself.
John looked over to Rodney's desk, and sure enough, there were two cups sitting there. One of them was Rodney's normal cup, 'Best Scientist in the World. Ever.' emblazoned across it, and sitting next to it was a non-descript grey mug. John frowned, a nagging thought blossoming in his mind. "Radek, can you pass me that mug, please?"
Zelenka picked up the second mug and handed it to John.
Lifting it up, John's frown deepened when his suspicion was confirmed. Across the bottom of the mug was a little imprint declaring 'Daedalus' on it. Atlantis had a fairy all right. A little naked, grey, rat-like fairy. John took a sniff of the remainder of the mug's contents. It may have smelled like coffee, but John didn't trust that that was all that was in there. "Come on, Rodney," he said, wrapping an arm around his scientist.
"Oh, are we going to have sex now?" Rodney asked, his eyes lighting up with glee.
"Later," John promised. "Right now, we're going to see Carson" And have him run tests on what's in this mug, John didn't say.
"Do you think he'll have any of the self-warming, edible lube? Maybe the Daedalus brought some with them." Rodney smiled. "Mmm, edible lube."
John glanced down at Rodney as he manoeuvred them both out of the lab. "I promise I'll get you all the edible lube you want, babe. But first, Carson."
"Okay." Rodney nodded as he let John lead him down the corridor. "But as long as we have sex later."
Back on the Daedalus, Hermiod frowned. The book had suggested a romantic dinner for two, even giving a list of Earth foods that were classed as having aphrodisiac properties. Hermiod had thought about it, but realised that getting his Beloved away from *that man* long enough to have dinner together was going to be nearly impossible. Besides, why spend time using foods that might have that effect, when the Asgard had something even better that they had confiscated from one of the annexed Goa'uld worlds. One cup of coffee with a little extra in it later, and Hermiod had been ready to go. If only the small scruffy man hadn't come back so soon. Although, Hermiod admitted to himself as the camera tracked *that man* leading his giggling Beloved down Atlantis's corridors, the properties of the Athala Root hadn't been exactly what he'd been expecting. Maybe it was his Beloved's ATA gene. Maybe it was the fact that the vials had sat in Thor's laboratory for a few years. Either way, Hermiod now had more data to work with. Given time, he could perfect the formula and then he could try again.
End.
Men Are From Mars, Asgard Are From Othala, Part 7
"Colonel Sheppard!"
John jumped slightly as Radek's voice barked into his ear, looking around furtively to check if anyone had seen him. "Yes, Dr Zelenka?"
"Please come to lab immediately-- Rodney, stop that!"
John frowned at the high-pitched command. "Radek, is everything okay?"
There was a pause and a muffled giggle that sounded like Rodney before Radek replied. "Just hurry, Colonel."
John was already moving towards the nearest transporter as the radio cut off. Within minutes he was standing outside the lab, door opening at his request, allowing Zelenka's voice to reach him.
"--that down!"
He walked into the lab, curious at what could have the normally calm Czech sounding so stressed, and stopped dead, eyes widening at the tableau before him. Rodney was holding something behind his back, pouting like a recalcitrant schoolboy, and Radek was standing there, looking every inch the firm, if rather short, schoolmaster. All he needed was the cane to spank Rodney with and he was set. John paused at the thought and shook his head. If anyone here were going to spank Rodney it would be John. Shaking his head again to rid it of the image of Rodney laid out over his knee John cleared his throat. "What's going on?"
Rodney's head snapped around to look at him. "John!" he called joyfully. Thrusting whatever he'd been holding at Zelenka, Rodney all but bounded over to John, grinning. "Hi, John!"
John stared at Rodney for long moments, before his gaze slid over to Zelenka. "Radek?"
Zelenka sighed, placing the box in his hands on the bench. "Do not ask me, Colonel. I leave him here to go fetch something from lab two and he is fine. I come back and--" He waved a hand in the still grinning Rodney's direction.
John turned back to look at his lover. "Rodney, have you been in Carson's good drugs again?"
Rodney looked at him. "No. Scout's honour."
John barely managed to cover the snort as the mental image of Rodney in shorts and trying to start a fire with two sticks sprang into his mind.
Rodney paused thoughtfully. "I did get lube from him, though." He glanced over at Zelenka quickly. "I wanted the self-warming, edible lube," he stage-whispered in a voice that carried through the entire lab, "but I think he kept it for him and Radek."
Radek coughed, glaring at Rodney, who was too busy pressing himself against John to take any notice.
"Can we have sex now?" Rodney asked plaintively.
John managed to grab Rodney's hand before it reached his BDUs. As much as he would have liked to take Rodney up on his offer, he'd rather find out exactly what had happened to his lover first. "No."
Rodney was silent for long moments before he met John's eyes again. "How about now?"
John ignored the question. "Have you touched anything strange recently?"
"Only Radek," Rodney answered. "Does Radek count as strange?"
John sighed inwardly. "No, Radek doesn't count as strange. Also, you'd better not let Carson hear you say that."
Rodney's eyes widened. "It wasn't the naughty kind of touching," he said, sounding rather affronted. "I only do that with you."
"Glad to hear it," John murmured, pulling Rodney's questing fingers away from his trousers again. "Rodney, think. What happened after Radek left you alone?"
Rodney tapped his finger thoughtfully against his lips. "Work," he said eventually. "More work. Even more work. Oh, and the Atlantis fairy brought me coffee."
John's eyes narrowed at that. "The Atlantis fairy?"
Rodney nodded his head vigorously. "And it wasn't you, so that's something else Kavanagh's wrong about."
John frowned, and made a mental note to let Lorne know that a certain scientist needed to at least triple the physical training he was already doing. "Tell me about the Atlantis fairy?" John said, still half unable to believe those words had just passed his lips.
"I was working," replied Rodney, "and there was no coffee." He looked into John's eyes earnestly. "This was not good. But I carried on; disregarding the dire coffee-less state I was in. I knocked my pen on the floor and bent down to get it and when I stood back up, there was coffee on my desk. But there was no one else there but me. Therefore, the only logical conclusion is that the Atlantis fairy put it there." Rodney nodded to himself.
John looked over to Rodney's desk, and sure enough, there were two cups sitting there. One of them was Rodney's normal cup, 'Best Scientist in the World. Ever.' emblazoned across it, and sitting next to it was a non-descript grey mug. John frowned, a nagging thought blossoming in his mind. "Radek, can you pass me that mug, please?"
Zelenka picked up the second mug and handed it to John.
Lifting it up, John's frown deepened when his suspicion was confirmed. Across the bottom of the mug was a little imprint declaring 'Daedalus' on it. Atlantis had a fairy all right. A little naked, grey, rat-like fairy. John took a sniff of the remainder of the mug's contents. It may have smelled like coffee, but John didn't trust that that was all that was in there. "Come on, Rodney," he said, wrapping an arm around his scientist.
"Oh, are we going to have sex now?" Rodney asked, his eyes lighting up with glee.
"Later," John promised. "Right now, we're going to see Carson" And have him run tests on what's in this mug, John didn't say.
"Do you think he'll have any of the self-warming, edible lube? Maybe the Daedalus brought some with them." Rodney smiled. "Mmm, edible lube."
John glanced down at Rodney as he manoeuvred them both out of the lab. "I promise I'll get you all the edible lube you want, babe. But first, Carson."
"Okay." Rodney nodded as he let John lead him down the corridor. "But as long as we have sex later."
Back on the Daedalus, Hermiod frowned. The book had suggested a romantic dinner for two, even giving a list of Earth foods that were classed as having aphrodisiac properties. Hermiod had thought about it, but realised that getting his Beloved away from *that man* long enough to have dinner together was going to be nearly impossible. Besides, why spend time using foods that might have that effect, when the Asgard had something even better that they had confiscated from one of the annexed Goa'uld worlds. One cup of coffee with a little extra in it later, and Hermiod had been ready to go. If only the small scruffy man hadn't come back so soon. Although, Hermiod admitted to himself as the camera tracked *that man* leading his giggling Beloved down Atlantis's corridors, the properties of the Athala Root hadn't been exactly what he'd been expecting. Maybe it was his Beloved's ATA gene. Maybe it was the fact that the vials had sat in Thor's laboratory for a few years. Either way, Hermiod now had more data to work with. Given time, he could perfect the formula and then he could try again.
End.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-08-29 04:22 am (UTC)Poor Hermiod. Poor Rodney. Poor Radek.
*stamps foot* More!
no subject
Date: 2005-08-29 12:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-29 12:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-29 06:39 am (UTC)This is really quite clever of you, if you were not serious about your threat to give Rodney to Hermiod, because this kind of sneaky underhand behaviour has dented my sympathy for his character. Although I guess if he thought he was only giving Rodney the equivalent of oysters tere's less intent there.
Hmm. And yes, I know crack!fic, but it's still an interesting thought
John's goin to have his hands full until the drug wears off, isn't he? Lucky man
no subject
Date: 2005-08-29 12:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-29 07:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-29 12:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-29 10:23 am (UTC)Rodney's eyes widened. "It wasn't the naughty kind of touching," he said, sounding rather affronted. "I only do that with you."
hee, Rodney's so cute.
no subject
Date: 2005-08-29 12:43 pm (UTC)*grin* That he is :-D
no subject
Date: 2005-08-29 10:38 am (UTC)As ever, sick and evil and wrong and stopit! And more please, if you don't mind. *g*
no subject
Date: 2005-08-29 12:44 pm (UTC)*g* Ah, the crack!fic that eats you when you aren't looking...
no subject
Date: 2005-08-29 04:01 pm (UTC)Hmmmmmmmm - what a very delightful image! ::is very shallow::
Yay - another chapter, and just as good as the others. I love this!
no subject
Date: 2005-08-30 09:34 pm (UTC)*makes happy noise*
Glee! You updated! and such a brillent chapter! If slightly disterbing that Hermiod was willing to drug Rodney to get him... *gives Asuguard worried look*
You should certainly write a little sister story to this, showing what happens until the drug wears off. *is sucker for drugged character stories*
no subject
Date: 2005-09-08 12:04 pm (UTC)This is toooooo funny. I love psychotic!Hermiod and look forward to more.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-19 04:42 am (UTC)Of course, Hermiod would mess up the aphrodisiacs and blame Thor. And when I read the words "Atlantis Fairy," I immediately pictured Kavanagh (of all people) in a pink tutu with a wand.
*happily skips off to next part*