All you need is skewering schlongs...
Jan. 14th, 2006 02:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
moonlettuceo_O
O_o
O_O
There's just been some spam posted to a list I'm on. It's het RPF involving Gillian Anderson. And, oh my god, after I read the first line I just couldn't stop. And since I feel the need to pass on the total train wreck that is this snippet of story, I'm posting it here for you.
Bobby continued pounding and pounding Gillian’s slushy snatch with his skewering schlong but couldn’t help notice the golden, iridescent acting trophies on obvious display on the mantel a few feet ahead. Gillian had been awarded most of these for her work on “The X-Files.” The prismatically glittering objets d’vanité seemed to take on a power of their own as convection currents pulsated radially away from them and attempted to magnetically ensnare Bobby in their otherworldly dreamscape. He tried to ignore them by instead concentrating on the shocking scene of unspeakable depravity he and Gillian were industriously participating in. She was still locked into the doggy-style position by his sinewy, rippling arm around her hips: Her low-hanging, sun-tanned, 44DD cow-udders flopping forward and smacking against the elbows of her outstretched arms and then swinging just as roughly backward and slapping against her oily lap, smacking and slapping, smacking and slapping, again and again -- the half-gallon of encapsulated saline solution sloshing around inside of each distended milk-jugg unmistakably audible.
Behind her, Bobby maintained his balance on his knees on the seat cushion of the damaged sofa, as he continued ramming his purple-crowned, vein-webbed, corn-on-the-cob into and out of Gillian’s husking meat-grinder. Inadvertently, he glanced up again for only an instant at the ethereally gleaming acting trophies that were still on Gillian’s mantel shelf but seemingly closer, and this time the paranormal force field emanating from them held fast and Bobby was helplessly lost. His vision became kaleidoscopic, and his eyes glazed over as if on a heroin trip. Suddenly, his consciousness was frighteningly thrown into his most persistent nightmare scenario: Him jumping out from the concealing shadows and surprising Special Agent Dana Scully in Mulder’s office while she was alone dropping off one of her summary reports.
~
I don't know whether to be annoyed at the spam, or amused that he chose to do it with something so damn *bad* that it actually burns *grin*
O_o
O_O
There's just been some spam posted to a list I'm on. It's het RPF involving Gillian Anderson. And, oh my god, after I read the first line I just couldn't stop. And since I feel the need to pass on the total train wreck that is this snippet of story, I'm posting it here for you.
Bobby continued pounding and pounding Gillian’s slushy snatch with his skewering schlong but couldn’t help notice the golden, iridescent acting trophies on obvious display on the mantel a few feet ahead. Gillian had been awarded most of these for her work on “The X-Files.” The prismatically glittering objets d’vanité seemed to take on a power of their own as convection currents pulsated radially away from them and attempted to magnetically ensnare Bobby in their otherworldly dreamscape. He tried to ignore them by instead concentrating on the shocking scene of unspeakable depravity he and Gillian were industriously participating in. She was still locked into the doggy-style position by his sinewy, rippling arm around her hips: Her low-hanging, sun-tanned, 44DD cow-udders flopping forward and smacking against the elbows of her outstretched arms and then swinging just as roughly backward and slapping against her oily lap, smacking and slapping, smacking and slapping, again and again -- the half-gallon of encapsulated saline solution sloshing around inside of each distended milk-jugg unmistakably audible.
Behind her, Bobby maintained his balance on his knees on the seat cushion of the damaged sofa, as he continued ramming his purple-crowned, vein-webbed, corn-on-the-cob into and out of Gillian’s husking meat-grinder. Inadvertently, he glanced up again for only an instant at the ethereally gleaming acting trophies that were still on Gillian’s mantel shelf but seemingly closer, and this time the paranormal force field emanating from them held fast and Bobby was helplessly lost. His vision became kaleidoscopic, and his eyes glazed over as if on a heroin trip. Suddenly, his consciousness was frighteningly thrown into his most persistent nightmare scenario: Him jumping out from the concealing shadows and surprising Special Agent Dana Scully in Mulder’s office while she was alone dropping off one of her summary reports.
~
I don't know whether to be annoyed at the spam, or amused that he chose to do it with something so damn *bad* that it actually burns *grin*
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no subject
Date: 2006-01-14 02:38 pm (UTC)Also, this:
as he continued ramming his purple-crowned, vein-webbed, corn-on-the-cob into and out of Gillian’s husking meat-grinder.
All I could think about was 'Boku No Sucky Sucky' and the corn on the cob in that (and of course the almost funnier not-hysterically dubbed original version I can't remember the name of).
no subject
Date: 2006-01-14 02:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-14 02:56 pm (UTC)That has to be a joke post. Nobody could write that seriously...
no subject
Date: 2006-01-14 03:02 pm (UTC)*blink*
*stares*
I don't know if he should be weeded from the gene pool right now or awarded some sort of special prize... like a very large corn-on-the-cob in bronze, perhaps... *snerk*
no subject
Date: 2006-01-14 04:07 pm (UTC)O.o
ROFLMAO that is baaaaaaaaaaaaad. Please, please let it be INTENTIONALLY bad! Suspect this troll is making a not-very-subtle dig at slashers and how he perceives they write sex (clearly never having read any, or if he has, definitely of the wrong sort!)
And LOL to
no subject
Date: 2006-01-14 04:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-14 04:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-14 04:52 pm (UTC)Did they think you got bonus points for alliteration?
no subject
Date: 2006-01-14 05:11 pm (UTC)The only thing we can take comfort in, is that it's the het writing that's so bad, and not the slash *eg*
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Date: 2006-01-14 05:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-14 05:13 pm (UTC)*evil smirk*
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Date: 2006-01-14 05:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-14 05:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-14 05:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-14 05:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-14 05:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-14 05:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-14 06:08 pm (UTC)the horror.
no subject
Date: 2006-01-14 06:15 pm (UTC)That is a small comfort. Another small comfort is that I've only read that small snippet lol
no subject
Date: 2006-01-14 08:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-14 11:37 pm (UTC)Oh, the unfortunate mental images. First of all, this is indeed a depraved scene--apparently Gillian douched with a Super Big Gulp Slurpee first. (Doesn't the kinky girl know that can lead to yeast infections?) Secondly, she appears to be dressed as a cow with milk cartons around her neck.
I'm not sure what the corn on the cob is doing in the meat-grinder, though. Perhaps they're planning on making corn chowder later. And then he admits that he's on heroin, which makes the entire passage make SO much more sense.
*rinses brain with bleach*
no subject
Date: 2006-01-15 01:57 am (UTC)Although I discussed it with my partner, and he said it was quite good, if you considered the amount of effort and obvious imagination in the descriptions, even if it did overdo itself! And he pointed out that we are mean to sneer, because some people just aren't well educated and haven't read much and are trying their hand at something new.
But still. No. Unless it's a parody - and like you say, why post a parody to a general community? - no. Although it did make me laugh, in an eye-boggling way. Maybe his finger slipped when he was selecting the community to post to *giggles*
I also notice there's a greater tendency for men to write like this (or at least get away with writing like this, among their peers) in general, and wonder if it's one of those gender-biased things... You know, like the language of everyday porn. Which is laughably bad and seriously impinges on my enjoyment of the imagery (not to mention the cheesey music in porno vids!) but hey, it's clearly popular!!
Someone on lj was reviling Brian Aldiss recently for using the terms 'delta of Venus' and 'winkle'. I didn't blame her...
no subject
Date: 2006-01-15 01:59 am (UTC)(You know, the 1% of germs that bleach *doesn't* kill...)
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Date: 2006-01-15 02:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-15 05:55 pm (UTC)I also get the feeling that it may have been written with a thesaurus in one hand too...
Just say no!
But it's a classic example for Connotations if there's a bad writing panel this year *g*
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Date: 2006-01-15 08:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-15 08:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-15 08:24 pm (UTC)John thrust his meaty sausage into Rodney's meat-grinder and slapped his quivering buttocks...
no subject
Date: 2006-01-15 08:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-15 08:41 pm (UTC)