moonlettuce | Fic: Never bungee jump twice in a row, Sharktopus / Actor RPF, Sharktopus / Ryan Reynolds

This is the one I'm not quite sure how to explain, so am just settling with totally blaming

alyse

Title: Never bungee jump twice in a row
Author: Claire
Fandom: Sharktopus / Actor RPF
Pairing(s): Sharktopus / Ryan Reynolds
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1,088
Summary: Even genetically engineered fish monsters need love, too...
Additional Notes: Non-con fish humping. And, wow, that's a sentence I never thought I'd write. Written for

alyse, so y'all can blame her ::grin::

There were days, Ryan wondered, if his agent was still trying to get him back for that time where he'd set her up on a blind date with his cousin. Granted, it had been three years ago but, from what he'd heard from both parties, that night had been Sarah Palin levels of disastrous and Jane could hold a hell of a grudge.

It would, after all, really be the only explanation as to why he was standing in a tent in Puerto Vallarta, dressed as a Tyrannosaurus rex.

When he'd phoned Jane to ask her, all she'd commented was that, actually, it was a velociraptor and to suck it up and deal.

T-rex, velociraptor. When he'd pointedly asked what the difference was, after all wasn't one prehistoric man-eating lizard much the same as the next, Jane's only reply had been a snapped out About 30 feet. Now shut up, we're getting paid a fortune for this, and then a click in his ear as she'd disconnected the call.

He'd been tempted to ring her back, but the deal was signed and there wasn't much he could actually do at this point, even if he was more Green Lantern than Jurassic Park. And one ever said that Ryan Reynolds didn't know how to please his public and work his audience. Okay, so this may have been the first time he'd had to do it while wearing a full rubber costume he could barely see out of (and, no that night back in college didn't count), but still.

Of course, the problem with barely being able to see or hear out of the damn rubber suit was that the first indication he had that something was wrong was the way everyone suddenly started scrambling away, screaming and pointing behind him.

Trying to ignore the sudden feeling that he was in a teen slasher movie, Ryan started to turn around, mentally cursing both the dinosaur outfit and his need to know exactly what the hell was behind him.

But even when he saw it, he still didn't know. Didn't know what to make of the teeth and the tentacles and the more teeth and the more tentacles. Didn't know what to make of any of it, just knew that he had to get away. Only, between the heat and the rubber and the way his legs refused to move and the giant tentacle monster behind him, it didn't go exactly to plan.

In fact, any plan anywhere near him went straight out of the nearest window it could find, and maybe moving hadn't been the best decision. Because moving meant that thing noticed him, meant it moved in his direction, meant it flopped on top of him, pushing him to the ground. And, hey, at least the dinosaur head he was wearing meant he didn't smack his face off the concrete when he faceplanted on the floor.

In the grand scheme of things, though, it was a small win, considering there was now some sort of weird shark-type octopus thing on top of him.

This was ridiculous. He was too young and too good looking to end his life as a footnote in some sort of Weird Celebrity Deaths book.

Ryan grimaced as he felt the creature above him, wet and slimy in a way he couldn't feel through the thankfully thick rubber of the suit. Unfortunately, his imagination could more than make up for it, could more than imagine the viscous fluid dripping out of the beast's mouth as it opened its gaping maw, rows upon rows of teeth just ready to bite down and end his gorgeous, talented and really quite awesome when you thought about it, thank you very much, life in its prime.

It was unfair. He was too young to be mauled by a quite obviously genetically modified monster from some secret, shadowy government agency or another. Too young to be ripped from this life by a creature from the deep, complete with sharp teeth and probing tentacles and a horrific warbling purr--

Wait. Hold on--

Ryan held his breath as he listened. No, that was definitely purring. Along with some soft whuffling, if he wasn't mistaken.

If he was being honest, Ryan wouldn't have thought that giant tentacled monsters from the depths of the cold, dark oceans would purr. Growl, yes. Yowl in some horrendous, loud and possibly yodelling-like fashion, definitely. But purring wouldn't have been in his top ten list of noises. And whuffling definitely would have been out. But, here it was, purring and whuffling.

Purring and whuffling and moving in a strangely familiar rhythmic fashion on top of him.

And he knew what it was doing; he did. In the back of his head, he knew. But he ignored it. He ignored it right up until the voice reached him, young and innocent and curious in its wondering.

Mommy, why is the fishy humping the dinosaur?

He could see the headline in front of him. Ryan Reynolds beds monster fish. Paternity suit to follow. Really, he would have preferred the Weird Celebrity Deaths. Or at least dinner first.

Still, though, he thought, as the purring got considerably louder and the movements above him considerably more erratic, at least it was better than getting eaten.

Possibly.

Maybe.

There was a last excited whuffle above him before the creature stilled and slid off him, a tentacle languidly patting Ryan's head with a force he could feel, even through the rubber. This so made him and Jane even now. Even the horror of that blind date couldn't stand up to being humped by a fish monster.

He was just debating all of the ways in which he could persuade Jane to make it up to him (unlimited instances of her awesome banoffee pie for one) when the young voice from earlier reached him again. (And, jesus, had they stuck around to watch? That kid didn't sound much older than six or seven, and that had definitely been some NC-17 stuff going on above him.)

Mommy, are the dinosaur and the fishy married now?

He was just about to snap out a hurried No! when a tentacle wrapped around him, pulling him closer to the shark-- octopus-- sharktopus. There, he said it. Sharktopus. He hoped the world was happy.

And even if the world wasn't, the sharktopus definitely was, as the tentacle snuggled him even closer and a low, rumbling purr vibrated through the rubber.

Ryan groaned.

There were times he really hated his life.