moonlettuce | I have arrived...

I've just been flamed. Three times! By the same person! (I think; one of them was an anonymous review on BYC.) Wow, I feel so special...

So, the first message arrives:

bibbinut@i'llbeniceandnotputthisbitin.com wrote:
> WOULD YOU KINDLY STICK TO STORIES THAT FEATURE THE CHARACTERS AS THEY
> \"SHOULD BE WRITTEN\" I AM NOT HOMOPHOBIC BY ANY MEANS. BUT THESE
> STORIES RUIN THE WHOLE ASPECT OF THE ORIGINAL BSG SERIES. STARBUCK IS
> 100% HETEROSEXUAL! SAME FOR APOLLO, CASSIOPEA, ATHENA, SHEBA. DON\'T
> RUIN THE MEMORY OF THE ORIGINAL BSG SERIES. PLEASE B A

My reply goes out:

Wow. You know, you're totally right. I have seen the light. I prostrate myself at your all-knowing feet.

Or, y'know, not.

Seriously, get over it. Interpretation of the text lies with the watcher. If you don't like reading slash fic, then I suggest you don't read it.

Slash fic is written by fans who see this aspect of the characters' lives and is read and enjoyed by other fans who feel the same way.

NO SLASH FIC HAS EVER CHASED A FAN DOWN THE STREET AND FORCED THEM TO READ THE HOT GAY SEX. (See, I can shout, too!)

You have a back button and a brain. I suggest you start using both of them.

Oh, and one point: starting a sentence with 'I'm not homophobic, but...' smacks of both homophobia and hypocrisy. What you're saying is 'I'm don't mind those fags, but keep them away from me'. Which, y'know, is both condescending and bigoted.

Claire

Maybe a little more snarky than I really should have been, but it's been a bad day.

But it doesn't end there. Oh no. Waiting for me further down is another message. By this point, I've stopped caring about trying to be at least half way polite:

bibbinut wrote:
> PLEASE READ ATTACHED MESSAGE.

Wow. Well, since you yelled at me so nicely how could I refuse...

> DON'T WRITE THESE STORIES, IT RUINS THE FLAVOUR OF THE
> ORIGINAL BATTLESTAR GALACTICA SERIES/

Y'know, out of the two of us, the one you have the power to control is not me. If reading slash offends you for any reason, then don't read it. Pot, meet Common Sense. It's meant to be quite readily available to most people.

> Subject:
> re: I WISH THAT YOU WOULD STOP WRITING STORIES PAIRING APOLLO AND STARBUCK.
> Date:
> Thu, 18 May 2006 00:21:19 -0500
> To: moonlettuce
>
> I am very, very displeased with the fiction I have found on this site.

I'm sorry, you've obviously mistaken me for someone who actually cares what you think.

> Why on earth would you pair Apollo and Starbuck!

Because they look really hot when they fuck.

> II am not homophobic by any means.

That's nice. Complete and utter bollocks given the fact that you've taken the time to e-mail me not once, but twice, telling me I have to stop writing the hot gay sex. But still, points for trying.

> I have had friends both homosexual and lesbian.

I hope they appreciate you using them to flash the queer card.

> I am heterosexual.

What? You want a cookie for this?

> Starbuck IS AND ALWAYS BE HETEROSEXUAL THE SAME FOR APOLLO.

Oh, I'm sorry I didn't realise you were channeling the soul of Starbuck and are, therefore, all knowing concerning his character.

> PLEASE DO ALL THE BATTLESTAR GALACTICA ORIGINAL SERIES FAN'S A FAVOUR.!

Dear gods, do *me* a favour and learn some basic bloody grammar. And stop shouting, it makes you look like a moron.

As for doing 'all the Battlestar Galactica original series fans a favour' (I took out your erroneous apostrophe, by the way. I could have left it in, but it just looked untidy), I've got to ask who the hell you think you are claiming that you speak for all fans? For every BSG fan you will find a different interpretation of the show. Some people see the slash, some people don't. The sane ones who don't see it just don't read it. The others? Well, honey, they're you.

> STOP WRITING THESE STORIES!!!!!

Tell you what, I'll stop writing the hot gay porn if you stop being a condescending bitch who tries to tell complete strangers on the Internet what they should and shouldn't do. Gotta say, I think the buttfucking's safe on this one.

> At least pair up the characters as they should be portrayed.
> Athena/Starbuck, Cassiopea/Starbuck, Apollo/Sheba or Apollo with another
> female character.

Dude, I'm a *slash writer*. You really aren't getting this concept, are you? And besides, Athena, Cassiopeia and Sheba are too busy being in a rampant lesbian threesome to even think about Apollo and Starbuck.

> I wonder what Dirk Benedict would think if he read this and Richard
> Hatch. They'd be disgusted.

I have no idea how Dirk Benedict would feel if he read Richard Hatch. Does RH have a lost BSG script tattooed on his butt? If so, it must be really small writing... However, I know how he'd feel if he read slash. Because not only has he read it, but he's spoken about it to fans. And he thinks it's funny and kinda likes it. Sorry to burst your precious bubble. Actually, I'm not. I'm going to burst it with a prick. Like the one that slides into Apollo's ass when Starbuck fucks him.

*smooches* (But not the big gay ones. Because you're heterosexual. I'm sure you wouldn't mind if they were the big gay ones, though. Because you're not homophobic.)

Claire

And then, then, we have the anonymous review at BYC:

Stop writing this crap.

Starbuck would not go after a man!

YUCK!

And my answer:

You're funny! *tickles you*

Hee! My first flames. *sniffles with pride*