moonlettuce | Fic: Blackbird Singing, SPN, pre-Dean/Castiel

Title: Blackbird Singing
Author: Claire
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: pre-Dean/Castiel
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1,364
Spoilers:: Set post 5x22
Summary: Part of her knows it was never going to be Dean...
Notes: Written for Day 7 of

mmom

Blackbird Singing

Lisa waits until the house is empty before she starts. Ben's at school and Dean's at the garage, so she's got most of the day to herself. She's not sure if she should be on her knees for this, so she settles for sitting on the couch, cross-legged and hands in her lap.

"I hope you don't mind that I'm not kneeling for this," she says softly. "I mean, that's what they always seem to do in the movies whenever they do this sort of thing." Although, if the person she's speaking to is anything like Dean says he is, then Lisa's sure he won't mind.

"I'm not sure where to begin--" Not sure if speaking to an empty room makes her crazy or not. "Hi, Castiel, I'm Lisa, and I really, really hope you can hear me." And that she's really, really not talking to thin air.

"So, I don't know everything that's happened, but I know some of it." She knows enough not to wake Dean up when he's crying out in the night; she learned that the first time she barely got out of the way when he lashed out after she'd tried to shake him gently awake. "I know that some bad stuff went down." Bad, as in really bad. Bad, as in earthquakes and fires and the things she'd watched on TV months before she could have even imagined that Dean was right in the middle of them.

"But I don't know all of it." Because, even though Lisa's told Dean that she's there if he ever needs to talk, she just doesn't think he will. Lisa knows that there are things Dean Winchester will go his entire life without talking about. She doesn't know what happened to Dean's brother - gone, is the only thing he'll say. And she doesn't know why he switches off his phone every time the caller display says Bobby.

"Thing is, I'm never going to know all of it. I don't think anyone is, not unless they were there." And Lisa wasn't there, but Castiel was. She's got a feeling Castiel was there from the beginning, got a feeling his involvement in Dean's life is marked by a faded red handprint on Dean's shoulder. She'd asked Dean about it that first night, asked him about it when he'd carefully wrapped his fingers around her wrist to stop her from laying her own hand over the brand. "He said he was raised up by bright and perfect and hope," she tells the room. What Dean hadn't said was Castiel's name. Then again, he hadn't needed to. Lisa knows the mark would fit Castiel's palm perfectly, she just knows.

Wiggling her toes slightly to stop her foot from falling asleep, Lisa pushes herself off the couch, stretching slightly as she paces across the floor.

"Don't get me wrong, I could quite easily fall in love with Dean." After all, Dean pretty much ticks every single box on Lisa's list, but still-- "The thing is, I deserve better than being someone's second choice. I deserve better and Ben deserves better. Hell, if half of what I think about the past couple of years really is true, Dean deserves better."

She pauses as she leans on the back of the armchair, her fingers sinking into the fabric. "You see, the thing with Dean is that he thinks he wants this life, but I don't think he does, not really. There's something missing, Castiel, and it's not something I can give him." Lisa's known that for a while now, what she'd heard a couple of days ago was just the confirmation. She's sure she wasn't meant to hear the softly groaned Cas-- from behind the closed door of the spare bedroom Dean's been sleeping in, but she did. She's also sure that Dean thinking about someone else when he has his alone intimate time is a great big indication that the Lisa'n'Dean show is never going to get past the pilot stage.

"I don't know if you can hear me, Castiel; don't know if this is going anywhere," she says, glancing up to the ceiling before she can stop herself. "But if you can--" She closes her eyes, not entirely sure how to entreat an angel, when she's not even sure if she believes in them. "If you're out there, and if you can hear me and if you feel half of what I think Dean feels for you, then--" She sighs softly as her words trail off, not exactly sure how to phrase get your ass back down here-- when speaking to an angel.

There's silence for long moments, and Lisa thinks she's said all she can say. She doesn't even know if Castiel heard any of it, unsure exactly where the, admit it, Lise, you just prayed, prayers of kinda-not-really-believers go.

"I heard you--"

Lisa spins around at the softly spoken words, automatically grabbing the baseball bat Ben left leaning against the couch after last night's practise.

The intruder looks at her, wide blue eyes and head tilted slightly, and Lisa knows, she knows. "Castiel?"

Castiel nods. "I'm sorry for interrupting--"

"No, that's fine," Lisa assures him, putting down the bat and mentally congratulating herself for not braining an angel. "After all, I called you."

The quiet that follows is awkward, the two of them standing there and not really looking at each other. If this was one of her friends, she'd have offered them a coffee by now, be sitting on the couch catching up on all the gossip. But he's not. He's the guy she's pretty sure Dean is going to leave with tonight. "Do you love him?" she asks, the question welling up in her from somewhere.

Castiel smiles, and in that moment, Lisa can absolutely understand what Dean sees in him, why Dean's voice softens whenever he mentions Castiel. "Yes," he replies. Lisa hears the absolutely and with everything I am, even if they're not spoken.

"Then why didn't you tell him?" Because she can't imagine holding something like that inside her, can't imagine watching someone she loves go off to live their life with someone else without saying something, anything, just to stop them from going. Which is why she knows she's doing the right thing here. Because it doesn't hurt when she thinks of Dean leaving with Castiel; it feels-- right. Although the bastard had better stay in contact this time, just so she knows he's okay.

Castiel looks away for a moment, before fixing his gaze back on her. "Dean wanted a normal life, deserved a normal life."

Lisa can't stop herself from rolling her eyes. Jesus, men; they’re all the same whether they come with wings or not. "He wants you, you idiot." And then-- "Calling an angel an idiot isn't an automatic trip downstairs, is it?"

Castiel huffs a laugh, quiet and clear. "No, it's not." And then, "you're a good woman, Lisa Braeden."

Which she thinks might be as much of a ringing endorsement as you can get from an angel. Glancing at the clock, she motions through to the kitchen. "Come on. Dean's not back," she doesn't say home, because it's not his home, it's never really been his home, "for another hour, we've got time for a coffee."

"Thank you," Castiel says, as he follows her. The words are soft and sure and she knows he isn't thanking her for the coffee.

Lisa shrugs, a small smile on her lips. She knows that there's someone out there for her; someone who'll laugh at her really bad jokes and complain when she steals his popcorn whenever they're watching a movie. Someone who'll be there for her and Ben because they're the most important people in his life. It's just not going to be Dean. She looks over to the angel sitting at her table, bright blue eyes that are far too old for his face and hair that looks like he just rolled out of bed, and she knows that it was never going to be Dean. But there's someone out there, and that's okay, she's got time.