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moonlettuceI've been debating about whether or not to do this, because my first reaction to 2007 is that it can be summed up pretty succinctly in four words: worst fucking year ever.
A lot of what happened went in posts under flocks so, for those who don't know, a year ago today my mum died.
She went into hospital on the 16th March, the doctors told me she had terminal cancer on the 18th (which was Mother's Day last year, so exceptional timing on their part) and five weeks later, on April 23rd 2007, she died. Three dates indelibly stamped in my memory.
It's strange how you measure life out in chunks - three weeks until the next holiday, four days until the weekend, two months until Christmas. And never, not once, do you think it's a year, a month, a week, a day until your world just collapses. Until someone says, you know this person who's been there your entire life? The one person who backed you through everything, who was there to pick up the pieces no matter what you did? Well, you're going to lose them and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. You can shout and rail and scream at a god you don't even believe in but it's all completely fucking useless.
I've never met my father, have no idea what he looks like or where he lives. So, as far as parents are concerned she was it. Hell, as far was parents were concerned, she was all I needed.
So many people go through this. People lose mothers, fathers, parents every day and yet there's no way to envision anyone knowing how it feels. I'd walk along streets and look at people wondering why they got to still be here and Mum didn't.
My boss once mentioned that he wouldn't have wished what I was going through at the time on his worst enemy, and all I could think was that he's obviously a better person than I am because I'd have gleefully wished it on anyone but me.
There have been times in the past year when I've considered how easy it would be to just go away. To just take enough that fits in a bag and go. Away from people saying how well they think I'm coping. Well, here's the honesty: there have been so many times over the past 12 months that I've been so far away from all right that I can't even see it with a pair of binoculars. But it turns out she made me stronger than that. Well, either stronger or just a lot more stubborn - the jury's still out on that one.
Y'see, that's the other thing 2007 brought. The knowledge that if I can go through this and come out the other end then I can go through anything. That I'm stronger, more resilient than I think I am. That I have the best kind of friends anyone could ever wish for.
We all like to think we've got the kind of friends where if you say "I need you..." their next words are "I'll be there." I didn't even have to say it. I'll be honest, I can't remember what I said to Seph the night I found out Mum was dying. There's a memory of me on my knees in my hall, holding the phone and crying, but I have no idea what words came out. I'm not entirely sure any words came out at all, although thinking about it, I had to have said something.
All I know is that there was a two month period last year that I would not have got through if it wasn't for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lost_house and temaris. That knowing alyse is 20 minutes away and all it took was a phone call to be doing something that stopped me thinking got me through days where I would have just sat and cried. That people half a world away, who I've never met face-to-face, cared enough to say that they were there if I ever needed someone to listen.
And now it's a year later. And it still hurts (always will). And I still miss her (always will). But I'm still here and still standing, because that's how Mum made me. And that, I think, is as strong a testament to her as anything.
A lot of what happened went in posts under flocks so, for those who don't know, a year ago today my mum died.
She went into hospital on the 16th March, the doctors told me she had terminal cancer on the 18th (which was Mother's Day last year, so exceptional timing on their part) and five weeks later, on April 23rd 2007, she died. Three dates indelibly stamped in my memory.
It's strange how you measure life out in chunks - three weeks until the next holiday, four days until the weekend, two months until Christmas. And never, not once, do you think it's a year, a month, a week, a day until your world just collapses. Until someone says, you know this person who's been there your entire life? The one person who backed you through everything, who was there to pick up the pieces no matter what you did? Well, you're going to lose them and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. You can shout and rail and scream at a god you don't even believe in but it's all completely fucking useless.
I've never met my father, have no idea what he looks like or where he lives. So, as far as parents are concerned she was it. Hell, as far was parents were concerned, she was all I needed.
So many people go through this. People lose mothers, fathers, parents every day and yet there's no way to envision anyone knowing how it feels. I'd walk along streets and look at people wondering why they got to still be here and Mum didn't.
My boss once mentioned that he wouldn't have wished what I was going through at the time on his worst enemy, and all I could think was that he's obviously a better person than I am because I'd have gleefully wished it on anyone but me.
There have been times in the past year when I've considered how easy it would be to just go away. To just take enough that fits in a bag and go. Away from people saying how well they think I'm coping. Well, here's the honesty: there have been so many times over the past 12 months that I've been so far away from all right that I can't even see it with a pair of binoculars. But it turns out she made me stronger than that. Well, either stronger or just a lot more stubborn - the jury's still out on that one.
Y'see, that's the other thing 2007 brought. The knowledge that if I can go through this and come out the other end then I can go through anything. That I'm stronger, more resilient than I think I am. That I have the best kind of friends anyone could ever wish for.
We all like to think we've got the kind of friends where if you say "I need you..." their next words are "I'll be there." I didn't even have to say it. I'll be honest, I can't remember what I said to Seph the night I found out Mum was dying. There's a memory of me on my knees in my hall, holding the phone and crying, but I have no idea what words came out. I'm not entirely sure any words came out at all, although thinking about it, I had to have said something.
All I know is that there was a two month period last year that I would not have got through if it wasn't for
lost_house and temaris. That knowing alyse is 20 minutes away and all it took was a phone call to be doing something that stopped me thinking got me through days where I would have just sat and cried. That people half a world away, who I've never met face-to-face, cared enough to say that they were there if I ever needed someone to listen.And now it's a year later. And it still hurts (always will). And I still miss her (always will). But I'm still here and still standing, because that's how Mum made me. And that, I think, is as strong a testament to her as anything.
