In the face of a tomato, I tell you...
Oct. 22nd, 2005 01:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
moonlettucePart one. Part two. Part three. Part four. Part five. Part six. Part seven. Part eight.
Part nine. Part ten.
Men Are From Mars, Asgard Are From Othala, Part 11
John opened his eyes, groaning as the bright light assaulted him. The last thing he remembered was heading towards one of the transporters on his way to find Rodney and kiss some sense into his oblivious lover. He remembered actually getting into the transporter and then nothing. Pushing himself up, he looked around the room he was in. The stark grey metal walls were nothing he'd ever seen in Atlantis, and he couldn't hear the gentle murmuring of the city in the back of his mind.
"John," he muttered to himself, "I don't think you're in Kansas anymore."
A quick recon of the room showed the only door to be locked and no communication devices anywhere, including his missing radio. He was just about to try the time-honoured tradition of yelling and banging on the door when one of the walls suddenly flared to life. Spinning to face the picture now running on the wall, John's eyes widened as he immediately recognised the image as his own quarters.
"What the--?" John took an involuntary step forward as he watched a figure bustle about setting a romantic dinner for two - a figure he recognised as himself. Not!John had just put a bottle of what looked like Athosian wine on the table when John heard his quarter's door chime ring.
Not!John glanced up quickly, eyes seemingly meeting John's as the impostor stared straight at the camera for a second before answering the door.
"Hi."
John's heart sank as he immediately recognised the voice of the person not!John was now ushering into the room.
Not!John looked at Rodney and smiled.
"I'm glad you came."
"I'll kill him," John fumed, knowing with every inch of his soul that the thing impersonating him was the little rat he should have shoved out of airlock months ago. The little rat who had apparently been watching them for god knows how long. John felt ill. If there was a camera into his quarters then there was definitely one going into Rodney's. Suddenly every moment he'd spent with Rodney felt tainted. Everything they'd done, everything they'd said. They'd lain in bed and spoken words that neither of them had ever said to anyone else, and Hermiod had watched it all. Screw the airlock, John thought. When he got out of here, he was going to cut Hermiod into little pieces and feed him to Dalek.
"I would have even if you hadn't asked."
John grinned at the tone of his lover's voice. That was his Rodney, all right.
"We need to talk, Rodney. Please, sit."
Not!John pulled out a chair and waved Rodney into it.
"Oh, come on, Rodney!" John muttered. "When the hell have I ever pulled out a chair for you?"
"Would you like some wine?"
Rodney nodded, and not!John poured him a glass, watching as Rodney took a deep drink.
"Don't do that!" John snapped. "You know how the Athosian stuff affects you--" John's words trailed off in horror. "Don't drink it," he urged, as not!John poured another glass, taking a sip before putting it down. "You don't know what's in it. Don't drink it."
Rodney looked at not!John.
"About yesterday. We were both stressed and not thinking straight. Not that we ever think straight because, hello, both men here. Anyway, I think we should just put it behind us and can we get to the--"
"I think we should split up."
John listened in horror as the words came out of not!John's mouth.
"--make-up sex now?-- Excuse me?"
"I think we should split up." Not!John repeated. "Would you like some more wine?"
Rodney looked down as his drink before knocking the rest of it back, slamming the empty glass on the table.
"No, I don't want any more wine. But if you'd like to give me the bottle I can crack you over the head with it!"
Rodney stood up and started to pace.
"You think we should split up? And where the hell did this gem of an idea come from?"
Not!John waited patiently for Rodney to finish his rant.
"Ha!" John muttered. "Another thing you got wrong. I never wait for him to finish ranting. I have him on the bed and naked three words in just to shut him up."
Rodney's voice finally trailed off as he stopped pacing to look at not!John, his eyes narrowing.
"Are you all right?"
"No, I'm not all right!" John yelled at the screen. "I'm. Not. Me!"
"I'm fine, Rodney. Why do you ask?"
Rodney didn't answer. He took a step towards not!John, a hand reaching out.
"I bet it's those bugs from Katan. Alien mosquitoes are never a good thing. You probably have a fever, and we'll have to call Carson to practice his voodoo on you. On the upside, it's another chance for sex in the Infirmary. A new batch of nurses came in on the Daedalus, and we have to keep our one hundred percent record making the medical staff jealous as hell--"
Not!John reached up, catching Rodney's fingers in his own before Rodney could touch his forehead.
"I'm fine. Honestly."
Rodney snorted, pulling his fingers out of not!John's grasp.
"Tell me that when your temperature is 104 and I'm having to give you cold sponge baths."
He pressed his fingers against not!John's forehead, stilling almost imperceptibly at the touch, thoughtful look on his face.
"Come on, Rodney," John urged. "Not me. Small naked grey rat pretending to be me. And so not getting the hair right, I'd like to point out."
Rodney stopped away from not!John.
"Okay, so no fever. In fact, kind of colder than you usually are."
He looked at not!John, his voice light as he spoke.
"So, this breaking up thing. Any specific reason?"
"You just deserve so much more, someone better."
"What the hell do you mean he deserves more?!" John objected. "He's got me, for god's sake!"
"And by someone better, you mean someone like, say, Hermiod?"
John stood rigid, his eyes fixed on the screen. He knew that tone of Rodney's; he'd heard it often enough. The tone that said 'I know I'm right and I'm going to give you exactly enough rope to hang yourself, because I'm better than you are and you're an idiot if you ever thought otherwise.'
"About time, McKay," John grinned. "About goddamn time!"
Not!John never stood a chance, and John was more than looking forward to watching Rodney rip Hermiod a new one. He was busy mentally bemoaning the lack of popcorn, good beer and a comfortable chair when a noise behind him made him spin around-- and stare straight through the now open door into Novak's concerned face. "Novak?"
"Colonel--"
"How?--" John started to ask, cutting himself off before the question was even fully formed. "Never mind," he turned back to glance at the screen, where Rodney was striding towards not!John with a furious gleam in his eyes, "just get me down there now."
When Novak opened her mouth to argue John just looked at her. "Yes, sir," she nodded, pressing a button on the wall.
"And adding in the fact that he was actually *right* means I'm going to be on my knees in front of John Sheppard for the rest of my life--"
were the last words John heard as the Asgard transport beam took him.
John felt a momentary wave of disconcerting nothingness and then his own quarters shimmered into life around him.
Rodney looked at him, eyes widening slightly at his sudden appearance before schooling themselves into calm. "John."
John was suddenly all too aware of the last words they had spoken to each other. "Rodney."
"Are you okay?" Concern laced Rodney's tone, and if he had to pinpoint it, John's pretty sure that was the moment Rodney actually realised that for Hermiod to have been impersonating John, the Asgard would have had to get John out of the way first.
"Well, I apparently got overpowered by a three foot tall naked alien, before being forced into watching said alien try to get into my boyfriend's pants. The very same boyfriend, by the way, who didn't actually believe me when I tried to tell him the alien was after his body in the first place." John paused. "But aside from that I'm good."
Rodney was silent for long moments. "Did anyone ever tell you your boyfriend's kind of an idiot?"
"Yeah," John grinned as he looked straight at Rodney, "but I love him anyway."
There was a beat and then, "glad to hear it," as Rodney returned the grin.
The incipient love-fest was halted only by the sound of not!John trying to surreptitiously move towards the door.
"You!" John whirled around, pointed at the impostor. "Don't move another muscle. And for god's sake, stop being me, it's distracting."
"You can say that again," Rodney murmured. "I always thought two John Sheppards was something that would stay firmly in my imagination."
"I would be willing to stay in this form if you so desire it," not!John said earnestly.
John frowned. "Don't even think about it," he growled. "Now take me off!"
Not!John placed a hand down his trousers and jiggled something about.
"Oh now that's familiar," Rodney muttered, as not!John shimmered out of existence, replaced by Hermiod's natural naked grey ratty visage.
John glared at him as he raised his hand to his radio, belatedly remembering it was still missing.
Noticing the aborted movement, Rodney took his own radio off and handed it to John without a word.
Hooking it into his ear, John activated the radio. "Sheppard to Lorne-- Major, report to my quarters and bring a couple of Marines with you-- I'll explain when you get here."
Barely five minutes had past before the door chimed, John casting a thought in its direction to open it.
Major Lorne stepped inside, flanked by two of the Marines. "Sir?" He looked at the trio standing in John's quarters.
"Major, take Hermiod down to one of the holding cells and lock him in there. And then call Colonel Caldwell down; I need to have a little chat with him about better controlling his aliens."
Major Lorne's eyes flicked to Hermiod before turning his attention back to John. "What are the charges, sir?"
"Abduction, forced imprisonment, impersonating an officer and trying to steal my boyfriend." John rattled off the list.
"I don't think you'll get the last one to stick," Rodney pointed out dryly.
"Fine," replied John. "Then just the first three. Either way, Major, I want him out of my sight."
Lorne nodded and turned to Hermiod. "If you'll come with me, please." It wasn't a question as he motioned to the door.
Hermiod cast one last longing glance in Rodney's direction before accompanying Lorne and the two Marines out of the door, leaving John and Rodney alone.
"Well," Rodney said, after long moments, "that was different."
"Different?" John just looked at him. "*Different?* I'll show you different," he muttered, stalking towards Rodney.
Rodney backed up, his hands held up placatingly. "John--"
He didn't get the rest of the sentence out as John tackled him onto the bed. "I seem to recall hearing a certain person mentioning being on his knees in front of me. You know, since I turned out to be, oh, absolutely right about the insane stalking rat." John nudged a thigh between Rodney's legs.
"I may have--" Rodney's breath hitched slightly, "--mentioned something along those lines," he admitted.
"Then how about you start now," John grinned at Rodney. And then he kissed him.
*
Hermiod stared at the wall of the holding cell, trying to work out where it had all gone so horribly wrong. He'd followed the suggestions in the book, but still his Beloved was with *that man* and he was stuck in a cell. A cell! An engineer of the Asgard Fleet and he was stuck in a cell. The annoyance he felt at his predicament flickered higher as a shadow loomed over him. Raising his head to identify the newcomer, Hermiod paused.
"Well?" Colonel Caldwell looked at him. "You better start from the beginning, hadn't you."
End.
And it's nearly over! (I can hear the chorus of 'Thank the bloody gods!' now... *grin*)
Part nine. Part ten.
Men Are From Mars, Asgard Are From Othala, Part 11
John opened his eyes, groaning as the bright light assaulted him. The last thing he remembered was heading towards one of the transporters on his way to find Rodney and kiss some sense into his oblivious lover. He remembered actually getting into the transporter and then nothing. Pushing himself up, he looked around the room he was in. The stark grey metal walls were nothing he'd ever seen in Atlantis, and he couldn't hear the gentle murmuring of the city in the back of his mind.
"John," he muttered to himself, "I don't think you're in Kansas anymore."
A quick recon of the room showed the only door to be locked and no communication devices anywhere, including his missing radio. He was just about to try the time-honoured tradition of yelling and banging on the door when one of the walls suddenly flared to life. Spinning to face the picture now running on the wall, John's eyes widened as he immediately recognised the image as his own quarters.
"What the--?" John took an involuntary step forward as he watched a figure bustle about setting a romantic dinner for two - a figure he recognised as himself. Not!John had just put a bottle of what looked like Athosian wine on the table when John heard his quarter's door chime ring.
Not!John glanced up quickly, eyes seemingly meeting John's as the impostor stared straight at the camera for a second before answering the door.
"Hi."
John's heart sank as he immediately recognised the voice of the person not!John was now ushering into the room.
Not!John looked at Rodney and smiled.
"I'm glad you came."
"I'll kill him," John fumed, knowing with every inch of his soul that the thing impersonating him was the little rat he should have shoved out of airlock months ago. The little rat who had apparently been watching them for god knows how long. John felt ill. If there was a camera into his quarters then there was definitely one going into Rodney's. Suddenly every moment he'd spent with Rodney felt tainted. Everything they'd done, everything they'd said. They'd lain in bed and spoken words that neither of them had ever said to anyone else, and Hermiod had watched it all. Screw the airlock, John thought. When he got out of here, he was going to cut Hermiod into little pieces and feed him to Dalek.
"I would have even if you hadn't asked."
John grinned at the tone of his lover's voice. That was his Rodney, all right.
"We need to talk, Rodney. Please, sit."
Not!John pulled out a chair and waved Rodney into it.
"Oh, come on, Rodney!" John muttered. "When the hell have I ever pulled out a chair for you?"
"Would you like some wine?"
Rodney nodded, and not!John poured him a glass, watching as Rodney took a deep drink.
"Don't do that!" John snapped. "You know how the Athosian stuff affects you--" John's words trailed off in horror. "Don't drink it," he urged, as not!John poured another glass, taking a sip before putting it down. "You don't know what's in it. Don't drink it."
Rodney looked at not!John.
"About yesterday. We were both stressed and not thinking straight. Not that we ever think straight because, hello, both men here. Anyway, I think we should just put it behind us and can we get to the--"
"I think we should split up."
John listened in horror as the words came out of not!John's mouth.
"--make-up sex now?-- Excuse me?"
"I think we should split up." Not!John repeated. "Would you like some more wine?"
Rodney looked down as his drink before knocking the rest of it back, slamming the empty glass on the table.
"No, I don't want any more wine. But if you'd like to give me the bottle I can crack you over the head with it!"
Rodney stood up and started to pace.
"You think we should split up? And where the hell did this gem of an idea come from?"
Not!John waited patiently for Rodney to finish his rant.
"Ha!" John muttered. "Another thing you got wrong. I never wait for him to finish ranting. I have him on the bed and naked three words in just to shut him up."
Rodney's voice finally trailed off as he stopped pacing to look at not!John, his eyes narrowing.
"Are you all right?"
"No, I'm not all right!" John yelled at the screen. "I'm. Not. Me!"
"I'm fine, Rodney. Why do you ask?"
Rodney didn't answer. He took a step towards not!John, a hand reaching out.
"I bet it's those bugs from Katan. Alien mosquitoes are never a good thing. You probably have a fever, and we'll have to call Carson to practice his voodoo on you. On the upside, it's another chance for sex in the Infirmary. A new batch of nurses came in on the Daedalus, and we have to keep our one hundred percent record making the medical staff jealous as hell--"
Not!John reached up, catching Rodney's fingers in his own before Rodney could touch his forehead.
"I'm fine. Honestly."
Rodney snorted, pulling his fingers out of not!John's grasp.
"Tell me that when your temperature is 104 and I'm having to give you cold sponge baths."
He pressed his fingers against not!John's forehead, stilling almost imperceptibly at the touch, thoughtful look on his face.
"Come on, Rodney," John urged. "Not me. Small naked grey rat pretending to be me. And so not getting the hair right, I'd like to point out."
Rodney stopped away from not!John.
"Okay, so no fever. In fact, kind of colder than you usually are."
He looked at not!John, his voice light as he spoke.
"So, this breaking up thing. Any specific reason?"
"You just deserve so much more, someone better."
"What the hell do you mean he deserves more?!" John objected. "He's got me, for god's sake!"
"And by someone better, you mean someone like, say, Hermiod?"
John stood rigid, his eyes fixed on the screen. He knew that tone of Rodney's; he'd heard it often enough. The tone that said 'I know I'm right and I'm going to give you exactly enough rope to hang yourself, because I'm better than you are and you're an idiot if you ever thought otherwise.'
"About time, McKay," John grinned. "About goddamn time!"
Not!John never stood a chance, and John was more than looking forward to watching Rodney rip Hermiod a new one. He was busy mentally bemoaning the lack of popcorn, good beer and a comfortable chair when a noise behind him made him spin around-- and stare straight through the now open door into Novak's concerned face. "Novak?"
"Colonel--"
"How?--" John started to ask, cutting himself off before the question was even fully formed. "Never mind," he turned back to glance at the screen, where Rodney was striding towards not!John with a furious gleam in his eyes, "just get me down there now."
When Novak opened her mouth to argue John just looked at her. "Yes, sir," she nodded, pressing a button on the wall.
"And adding in the fact that he was actually *right* means I'm going to be on my knees in front of John Sheppard for the rest of my life--"
were the last words John heard as the Asgard transport beam took him.
John felt a momentary wave of disconcerting nothingness and then his own quarters shimmered into life around him.
Rodney looked at him, eyes widening slightly at his sudden appearance before schooling themselves into calm. "John."
John was suddenly all too aware of the last words they had spoken to each other. "Rodney."
"Are you okay?" Concern laced Rodney's tone, and if he had to pinpoint it, John's pretty sure that was the moment Rodney actually realised that for Hermiod to have been impersonating John, the Asgard would have had to get John out of the way first.
"Well, I apparently got overpowered by a three foot tall naked alien, before being forced into watching said alien try to get into my boyfriend's pants. The very same boyfriend, by the way, who didn't actually believe me when I tried to tell him the alien was after his body in the first place." John paused. "But aside from that I'm good."
Rodney was silent for long moments. "Did anyone ever tell you your boyfriend's kind of an idiot?"
"Yeah," John grinned as he looked straight at Rodney, "but I love him anyway."
There was a beat and then, "glad to hear it," as Rodney returned the grin.
The incipient love-fest was halted only by the sound of not!John trying to surreptitiously move towards the door.
"You!" John whirled around, pointed at the impostor. "Don't move another muscle. And for god's sake, stop being me, it's distracting."
"You can say that again," Rodney murmured. "I always thought two John Sheppards was something that would stay firmly in my imagination."
"I would be willing to stay in this form if you so desire it," not!John said earnestly.
John frowned. "Don't even think about it," he growled. "Now take me off!"
Not!John placed a hand down his trousers and jiggled something about.
"Oh now that's familiar," Rodney muttered, as not!John shimmered out of existence, replaced by Hermiod's natural naked grey ratty visage.
John glared at him as he raised his hand to his radio, belatedly remembering it was still missing.
Noticing the aborted movement, Rodney took his own radio off and handed it to John without a word.
Hooking it into his ear, John activated the radio. "Sheppard to Lorne-- Major, report to my quarters and bring a couple of Marines with you-- I'll explain when you get here."
Barely five minutes had past before the door chimed, John casting a thought in its direction to open it.
Major Lorne stepped inside, flanked by two of the Marines. "Sir?" He looked at the trio standing in John's quarters.
"Major, take Hermiod down to one of the holding cells and lock him in there. And then call Colonel Caldwell down; I need to have a little chat with him about better controlling his aliens."
Major Lorne's eyes flicked to Hermiod before turning his attention back to John. "What are the charges, sir?"
"Abduction, forced imprisonment, impersonating an officer and trying to steal my boyfriend." John rattled off the list.
"I don't think you'll get the last one to stick," Rodney pointed out dryly.
"Fine," replied John. "Then just the first three. Either way, Major, I want him out of my sight."
Lorne nodded and turned to Hermiod. "If you'll come with me, please." It wasn't a question as he motioned to the door.
Hermiod cast one last longing glance in Rodney's direction before accompanying Lorne and the two Marines out of the door, leaving John and Rodney alone.
"Well," Rodney said, after long moments, "that was different."
"Different?" John just looked at him. "*Different?* I'll show you different," he muttered, stalking towards Rodney.
Rodney backed up, his hands held up placatingly. "John--"
He didn't get the rest of the sentence out as John tackled him onto the bed. "I seem to recall hearing a certain person mentioning being on his knees in front of me. You know, since I turned out to be, oh, absolutely right about the insane stalking rat." John nudged a thigh between Rodney's legs.
"I may have--" Rodney's breath hitched slightly, "--mentioned something along those lines," he admitted.
"Then how about you start now," John grinned at Rodney. And then he kissed him.
*
Hermiod stared at the wall of the holding cell, trying to work out where it had all gone so horribly wrong. He'd followed the suggestions in the book, but still his Beloved was with *that man* and he was stuck in a cell. A cell! An engineer of the Asgard Fleet and he was stuck in a cell. The annoyance he felt at his predicament flickered higher as a shadow loomed over him. Raising his head to identify the newcomer, Hermiod paused.
"Well?" Colonel Caldwell looked at him. "You better start from the beginning, hadn't you."
End.
And it's nearly over! (I can hear the chorus of 'Thank the bloody gods!' now... *grin*)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-10-22 12:24 am (UTC)Very much worth staying up rereading McShep and listening to, hah, JC Chasez, just for the line 'Npw take me off!' *g*
no subject
Date: 2005-10-23 12:08 am (UTC)You see how the McShep is shiny, shiny joy :-D
no subject
Date: 2005-10-23 12:14 am (UTC)I DO see how the McSheo is shiny, shiny joy. And you SUCK for the BTW. *g*
Me and Sam are volunteering all weekend at Expo. We're gonna tell Rob that we need to be as far away from Michael Shanks on the Sunday (if he goes) as possible 'cause otherwise it will be Bad. Yes. Just randomly. *g*
no subject
Date: 2005-10-23 12:23 am (UTC)And I do suck, but only if you ask me nicely ;-)
no subject
Date: 2005-10-23 12:29 am (UTC)Can you imagine me and Sam with The Shanks around? Dude.
Speaking of bad and wrong and bad in a wrong kind of way, don't think I've forgotten about the DH/JF missy **looks at you sternly**
no subject
Date: 2005-10-23 12:46 am (UTC)DH/JF? I don't write that. Because it's wrong and bad and icky.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-23 12:49 am (UTC)Yes, yes, wrong and icky and bad and more? *g*
no subject
Date: 2005-10-22 02:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-23 12:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-22 03:57 pm (UTC)"And by someone better, you mean someone like, say, Hermiod?"
I squeaked out loud at that! Yes! Rodney figured it out! *Finally*! He owes John *lots* of make-up-and-you-were-right-and-I-was-wrong-sex. Hee! And I *adored* the next bits -- John and Rodney sorting it out. *happy sigh*
no subject
Date: 2005-10-23 12:17 am (UTC)And there will be much, *much* make-up sex in the future :-D
no subject
Date: 2005-10-23 11:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-23 12:12 pm (UTC)*grin*
no subject
Date: 2005-10-23 07:33 am (UTC)*is so very much relieved...*
no subject
Date: 2005-10-24 10:50 pm (UTC)I couldn't keep my boys apart for long ;-)
no subject
Date: 2005-10-24 02:58 pm (UTC)Yay, Rodney found out!
And evil, evil not!John for planning to make John watch it all!! *kicks not!John*
no subject
Date: 2005-10-24 11:03 pm (UTC)And at least now they get to have the hot make-up sex *grin*
no subject
Date: 2005-10-24 11:06 pm (UTC)hot make-up sex!!
*waits*
sex?
*waits some more*
Sex?
no subject
Date: 2005-10-24 10:57 pm (UTC)Um, it was a clever ploy to deactivate an explosive device in Rodney's pants, planted there by the Genii, rigged to go off if the real John actually touched it, so Hermiod was going to valiantly sacrifice himself for the greater good?
Uh, he was possessed?
Would you believe drunk? Trying to join a fraternity? Double-dog dared by Weir?
....
He's got nothin'.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-24 11:04 pm (UTC)lol! I'm actually tempted by this one *grin*
no subject
Date: 2005-10-25 02:17 pm (UTC)Though Caldwell isn't going to thank him for all the mental images he's getting....
no subject
Date: 2005-10-25 07:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-26 02:09 am (UTC)"And adding in the fact that he was actually *right* means I'm going to be on my knees in front of John Sheppard for the rest of my life--"
Heh. There is no bad in that situation.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-27 11:00 pm (UTC)No, there really isn't ;)
no subject
Date: 2005-10-28 01:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-29 08:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-29 11:09 pm (UTC)Boo fade to black! *G*
no subject
Date: 2005-10-30 06:54 pm (UTC)